Lord knows, I’ve paid some dues   Leave a comment

ever had one of those times where you start crying

for no apparent reason?

i have been upset for a couple of days

about something i did 

it comes with no warning 

and i am at a loss for how to deal with it

i told a secret that i have held for 32 years

the details anyway, names and specifics

i understand that it does no good to 

feel bad, to regret doing something

it is done

what i want to know is why i did this

i certainly do not feel any relief

and i know that i have changed the way

the person i told now feels about those involved

i keep asking myself if this is why i did it?

it must be

perhaps i wanted to assure this person that the hurt she felt

because of this other person was justified

that she had done other, worse things to hurt people

this seems so petty

isn’t it strange how we all think we are above doing such things

until we do them

I long to call her and tell her how sorry i am that i did this

but it will not change anything

i also think i only want to do this

to somehow justify why in the world i would do such a thing

i am really trying to deal with many things from my past

trying to piece the puzzle of my life together

figure out how i got to this point

all of us are the sum of our experiences 

unfortunately some of those experiences are lost 

only to come barreling seemingly out of nowhere

at any given time

i wonder if others have these sudden memories

the ones that seem so foreign

that at first you are sure it is something you read or saw in the movies

a  deja `vu moment

but then you feel it

when it is bad,

when you feel that stab in your chest

the cold chill that warns you

and you feel it

and you see it through your eyes

and then you know

how you felt when it was over

some things

no, many things

are better left in the abyss

that is repression

“The only thing I knew how to do, was to keep on keepin’ on like a bird that flew .”

 

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Posted April 8, 2014 by splendidone in Uncategorized

“A very little key will open a very heavy door.” ~ Charles Dickens   Leave a comment

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 an unexpected smile

asking how something makes you feel

a hand on your shoulder

a whisper that says ‘it will be alright’

a long silent pause, allowing you to speak

a long tight hug

Posted March 29, 2014 by splendidone in Uncategorized

life lessons   1 comment

If someone asked you today to share one of your life lessons, what would come to mind?

It has recently come to my attention that I share stories from my life very often, too often. I do not know if I do this to share a lesson, or just to talk about myself. This really bothers me and I need to figure it out. I would like to step out of myself and listen. What the hell do I talk about on a regular basis?

I am trying to remember people (relatives) from my youth who used to do this–tell the same stories over and over. I do not know many ‘family stories’. I know very little of my mother’s childhood and my grandparents lives, even less of my father’s. Most of the stories I can recall have to do with places. I cannot recall stories being shared with me to teach me morals or ‘lessons’. Perhaps it was mostly a generational thing; not sharing your mistakes or lessons that you learned the hard way. or maybe it was just the ‘way’ my (grand)parents were raised? My grandfather taught me how to do things, and what behavior was expected. I now realize that if I asked him questions he would answer, but it took me more than 3/4 of his lifetime to learn to ask the correct ones. I realize my Mother’s time is shortening. I still have no idea what to ask her, trying to imagine what I do not know about her is difficult. 

I could make my own game, I fear. Sitting at the table with my daughters, I could begin any story from my life and I have no doubt 2 out of 3 of them could continue the whole thing for me. Why have I done this? And more importantly is there anything to be learned from these stories? Are they just anedotes of a simple life? Or worse; boring bragging of a dull life? 

I am seriously going to pursue this.

Posted March 29, 2014 by splendidone in Uncategorized

ahh   Leave a comment

 

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W. B. Yeats

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.

                                      

Posted March 14, 2014 by splendidone in Uncategorized

what makes me happy?   1 comment

loving someone.being loved by someone.real conversations with people.being around a bunch of friends while they play music and we all sing.helping others.writing.hanging out with my family and laughing.waking up and walking on the beach at dawn and being there for sunrise.real letters.documentaries about the universe or people all over the world and their philosphies.hearing people laugh.reading old notes and looking at old photos.traveling to new places and listening to the people that live there.waking up early when the world is asleep and covered in snow.when people show me something they think i’d like.learning new things. remembering moments i shared with people now gone.laying in the grass. photographing trees,trying to capture their beauty in a single frame to share.sunflowers and pussywillows.dreaming.making love.hot baths.going to the market and seeing all the people there i care about.all the colors in this world.when my dog lays next to me.making others happy.

 

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Posted March 8, 2014 by splendidone in Uncategorized

“February is cold but it’s bright. In fact it’s eye-burning out there today. Sunglasses are a must to ward off the snow blindness.”   Leave a comment

blue sky

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having read this somewhere else online, I was inspired to agree and add something.

what that may be I do not know.

living in a white covered / black slush world has been trying

Winter is supposed* to be a time of turning inward

shorter days, gathering in with family and friends

cooking, knitting, planning, dreaming

this year it surely seems like a

season of frustration and worry

not conducive to any productive endeavor

(way too many $10 words, sorry, this is a by-product of stream of consciousness writing)

worrying about

frozen pipes, cars starting, potholes eating our tires

the damn cold

period

frozen toes and fingers

vans that are constantly covered in snow & ice

if i wanted to deal with all of this i would live far north

longing for Spring is real

thinking about muddy shoes and dirt under my fingernails

falls under dreaming now, a longing ha!

kicking myself for not planting the bag of bulbs

I see several times every day on the back porch

imagining all the other bulbs sleeping under the earth

waiting to sprout

to awaken

their roots reaching down digging firmly in

sprouts beginning like a child rising and

stretching her arms

all the while yawning

and anticipating the new day

thirty-three days until Spring

i will be patient

i have no choice

Posted February 15, 2014 by splendidone in Uncategorized

Memories are all we have   1 comment

memories are all we want

it’s been a hellava week, spent a day  last week saying goodbye to an old friend

this evening while spending time with friends,

remembering that same friend on what would have been her 50th birthday

we received word of another friend’s mother’s passing

Some of the dead leaves on the big oak outback

have lost their tenacious grip

giving up

being blown about

 

drifting down, down, down, down

before landing, 

lying in wait for a white blanket to cover them 

 

i wonder if it ever gets easier

we all know our end and the end of those we love is inevitable

yet with every passing we seem shocked

surprised that it has happened

i often wonder, outloud, which is worse 

when dealing with a loved one’s death

a quick relatively painless death

or a long drawn out sickness?

we all know what we wish for ourselves, often vocally to others, while we live

yet when we experience a loved one’s sudden, unexpected death

we are stunned

i’ve know people that never recover from this

so many emotions are experienced

anger, sadness, fear, loathing, disappointment, shame

none of us wish for our precious loves to suffer 

but admittedly it is easier when one has time to say goodbye

the human factor, the selfish wish

 

the lesson for the day

never wait 

to express love, admiration, and especially gratitude to those we care about

your laughter and joy will carry on with those you loved Pat

thank you so much for making our lives so much better

The idea is to die young as late as possible.  ~Ashley Montagu

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Posted February 12, 2014 by splendidone in Uncategorized

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